Offense

As my gardener sweeps the cemented ground outside to collect the debris and leaves and dried grass, and I hear the *swish, swish, swish* of the broomstick as it scratches the ground, I begin to think about the reason why I will write about that certain person. She is a female. (I might as well reveal her gender else I forget who I'm writing about. She is very similar to this other young woman only, that she loves me more than the other one. She is a puzzle to me. I can never quite figure her out. We seldom talk to each other which is probably the reason why I feel so detached to her, yet, even so, she is that one person who offends me so. The gardener had gone quiet by this time, perhaps eating the donuts sprinkled with sugar in the backyard. (As I finished that last sentence I saw him walk towards the gate and open it and close it behind him. So his part in this narrative has ended.)

Even as I think about my grudges against her, my heart pounds with offense and I feel hurt. It's a hurt pride. It's a feeling so deep, so profound, and it seems to have been attached to the deep recesses of my soul. It's difficult to let go of, but I need to let go. I have to, if I want my self to be reconciled to that person, and also to my self (because I have committed the crime of not sharing to her what I feel, so it's trapped inside my heart), then I have to.

It's another puzzle how to tell her. It's not something I can say to anybody, it's hard when I'm so used to talk about external things that talking about the self is the most difficult thing to do. I couldn't invite a second party to mend our little disagreement, but the situation and conversation could only be understood by me and her. A one on one talk is the best solution.

A one on one talk is a communication from one soul to another, where the heart speaks. It's a time of bonding, where two souls confide the others' feelings. It's when one lets go of the ill feelings, and in return receives peace. A time of reconciliation.

One thing I have noticed. It's not only attached to the soul, but also the mind. That it confuses the mind is a mystery. The fact that we know why we are hurt, but the other fact that it also confuses us, is still unknown. Ahh, a revelation has struck my brain. The reason why we are confused, is because the mind doesn't understand why people do things, that could hurt somebody. We KNOW, but we DON'T UNDERSTAND. Why are people cruel? We know, but don't understand. We will never understand.

From my observations, I have collected certain facts that are again, puzzling me. I've seen the world through open lids, and I've seen people in front of me, who intentionally hurt other people. I've had it done to me countless times, I morosely say. And yet, these people seem unaffected. Seem dignified. I think it is "cool". And questions rose to my brain: "How do they do it?" "Have they always been like that?" I once asked a friend, I said, "Why are adults like that? Like they don't have emotions? They don't get offended. How about us, when we grow up, will we stop having emotions?"

He said, "Silly, no. They know how to HANDLE their emotions, not lose their emotions." My friend is five years younger.

But that was far away from my recollection when she did those unfair things to me. I realize now that we speak too little to each other.

My question now is: How do I maintain my dignity *grace under pressure*, or grace under attacks. I am aware it takes practice. It takes great maturity and open-mindedness to be unaffected by emotional onslaught. It also takes compassion for that person. It takes a recollection that I am a complete human being, with or without these attacks. Not only I, but she too. She's a complete human being who knows how to love, who knows how to get hurt just like I do.

Now that I realize that, I've come to see that I asked the wrong question. Now I ask, "How can I treat her better?" Because I must have done something to make her act the way she did.